ChaoNaut

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
We've been playing office bingo with phrases like "In The Current Climate.." to see how many times we hear it in a week..

I've re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.

Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."

The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.

Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?

What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets

Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.

What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!

Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!

For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!

Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...