Chaonaut

by Adam The Elder

wazork

i heard it said just now

wazork

ages sincer i have ever heard it used.

ikt should be used a lot more.

wazork wazork wazork

by Adam The Elder

credit crunch jokes

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
We've been playing office bingo with phrases like "In The Current Climate.." to see how many times we hear it in a week..

I've re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.

Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."

The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.

Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?

What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets

Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.

What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!

Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!

For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!

Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

by Adam The Elder

the economy is going belly up - lets just party till the end

sod it

let it happen

let all the banks go belly up and all the goverments become no more.

let the whole systen crash out.

lets just part till the end i say

this is it folks - its the end. lets just have fun.

by Adam The Elder

Madonna and Guy Ritchie to divorce

Madonna (old 50 year old) and her husband Guy Ritchie (young 40 year old) are to divorce.

I'm suprised as you would think that (young 40 year old) Guy would love to be married to Madonna (in her 50's and well past it).

by Adam The Elder

Spam emails seem to have increased a huge amount

I seem to have had a vast increase in spam emails.

Some are rather good as I keep getting pics of Paris Hilton with no nickers on.

But I am so fed up of getting the same email 80 times a day.

Surly if your going to make spam emails work you would send it once a month, not 60 times a day.

I have today started to get a viris email that says your baby has been kidnaped and enclosed is a pic of it to prove it. Bit sick. Plus if they had kidnaped any member of my family, they can keep them.

I love the ones who claim to be from the bank but are realy poor. Imean they go to the effert to fake being a bank email but put no effert into the email itself. I find it rather disapointing how poor some people are at these fake emails.

Some of the best ones recently are the google adword ones, saying can you update your details. Its clever as you could fall for that, and give out your password. I presume the idea is that the scammers then change payments to pay them instead.

I am amazed that people still fall for the big scams where they say my friend has died and wants to give you the cash in a will. Part of me thinks if your daft and greedy enough to fall for it then you deserve to loose your cash (a fool and his money and all that).

I bet I have delited some real emails though, as often I simply read thye headlines and delight them.

by Adam The Elder

well thats the olipics over

only watched it for 5 mins.

anyway, you just know the british one will suck.

its going to be a national embaresment.

i still remember new years eve 2000. i was at my mates watching it on his tv.

they went around the world showing all the impressive displays.

then it came to the uk, and we had the queen shivering in the dome and some realy naff acrobatics, and a few cadle wheels.

then not that long ago the student olipics in manchester where they had a few mini's driving around on a wet plastic sheet in the rain.

lets face it, the olipics are going to be run by the same twits as always.

rather than having people with imagination and having somthing fantastic. it will end up with the same comitees that will come up with somthing political correct, dull, and probably rather expensive.

plus i bet all the contracters are a bit peezed off as they were probably going to bump up the costs from the real quotes, but by the sounds of it boris aint going to let that happen.

conservatives are probably thinking, if we win the election we have to deal with this embarresment.

It will be even more embarresing if by then no one can afford the bus fair to go see it, and people are heavily struggerling with bills and they have this huge thing to also pay for.

by Adam The Elder

how easy is it to design a wordpress blog?

can you do it with basic softwear/art packages or do you need your facy stuff?

or is there a site that does nice sexy thems?

by Adam The Elder

AI is on - makes me sad

Its such a sad film.

Reminds me of when I ran away from home.

Well I did not run away, I hid in my cuboard.

I got hungry and had to come out after 20 mins.

Turned out no one noticed I was missing.

Typicle.

I had to point out that they would be in a lot of bother if I had run away.

My nan pointed out I was 22 years old.

I should have written a note first.

by Adam The Elder

I think i should host countdown

Des O'Connor sits bored and not interested.

I would be great, Iwould make witty remarks with Carol Vorderman, and she would ffall in love with me.

I would also have some jolly banter with the contestents making them look good.

each day i would come up with an accedemic thought, that was not only wise but most witty.

plus the studio is only round the corner, i would cycle its so close.

plus i could stick two fingers up at the managment there for getting that court order out on me. i was not stalking that newsreader.

by Adam The Elder

sex toys should make millions

Its not somthing people seem to talk about.

But if you consider that half the population is female. And that bet a lot of females buy more than one toy.

These things must be an easy money spinner.

To be honest I am suprised that there is no mail order firm going door to door during the day when a lot of randy houswifes are in.

by Adam The Elder

What is sharp rain?

On the weather forcast they keep saying sharp showers!!!

Well what is that?

It seems like regular rain to me.

It seems to be somthing they have found in the last year or so as I do not remeber hearing it on the weather forcast.

Although they seem to fib on the weather forcast as I remember when cyinobal went boom years ago and they said keep out of the rain as it was radioactive.

I ran out and tried to drink as much as I could so that I would have super powers and take over the world.

I was extreamly dsapointed to find I hasd not lazer eyes when I went to school and tried to zap my teacher.

by Adam The Elder

Manchester seems to be the knife place now

For ages if somone was stabed it was London.

But recently all the stories seem to be in Manchester.

Mabe the stabbers got boared with London and moved to Manchester.

by Adam The Elder

do you get your windows cleaned?

is this a british thing, or do they have window clearners in other countries?

i ask as i see it as the most pointless thing going.

i have never had my windows cleaned for ten years or longer i have been in my house.

yet they seem as clean as next door who seems to have hers done weekly.

not being funney but how can they get dirty. surly the rain cleans then.

i could understand when geezer was 40 and we had smog and stuff.

but we are no longer in the industrial revolution now.

i keep thinking it would be easy to offer people to clean there windows, and go around each week and get the cash and not clean them. i bet they would not notice.

by Adam The Elder

Gay Weddings

a thought i had, do people in gay weddings take there partners name as in the tradition the wife takes the husbands name?

Also when people get married (as in a standered marrage), when a wife takes the husbands name, is this a legal name?

I mean if i wanted to change my name i would have to do it legally.

so if say kelly Smith, marries Tony Green, and she opts to use Kelly Green, is that now legall, or does the marige certificate make it legall?

by Adam The Elder

'Work for benefits' plan

Some social workers said it would be humiliating for the lazy gits to have to pick up rubbish. My heart bleeds. How unfair of the goverment, making people work rather than staying at home and playing on there playstation. I tell you what amazes me most is how those on the dole have often brand new gadgets. Often they have more and newer letronics than those on high wages. I remeber years ago wehen sky came out. The first to have it were those in council flats on the dole.

by Adam The Elder

What would you do if your wife or husband wated a sex change?

What would you do if your wife or husband wated a sex change?

Would you stay with them or leave them?

They still love you, and have not become gay, but simply wish to have a sex change.

If you were to leave them, does this mean you realy do not love them.

After all its the same person.

by Adam The Elder

The ugly girl theory

Have you noticed that hot chicks have oner ugly mate with them.

My mate pointed this out, and belives its so the more attractive girls look even hotter.

Wbhile the ugly girl may not be ugly on her own, ie if she went out with girls who look like her she would probably pull, or indeed she would look ok.

But next to some hot chicks she does not look so hot.

A bit like a Ford Escort. It looks ok, but park it next to a BMW and it does not look so hot. You notice the bmw far more.

by Adam The Elder

should the olipics be done nude?

I am not thinking this as in it would sex it up, but...

When the olimpics were first done, it was in the nude.

These days athlets with the most money can buy the best geat, such as high performance swimsuits that have far less drag than normall ones.

Surly this is no different to drug taking.

The result is the richest athlets atomaticly have the advantages.

Thus if you do not allow drugs, then surly why allow them to wear clothes that are desined to improve performance.

by Adam The Elder

so the six weeks of hell begins

the brats are on holiday.

and already they are outside anoying me playing football.

they have been twice to the door asking if i will kick the ball with then. no (they only ask as they know i will miss when they kick it to me and look a twit).

i will be sticking some wrire around the garden in the morning and wire it to the mains. soon as they climb in after the ball, zap.

lets hope it rains.

they do not sleep. 6am till late at night.

i will have to borrow geezers air rifal.

by Adam The Elder

Does the dimisde of the english pub = poor health ?

IA thought from me.

Being in Leeds, Tetly was a traditional drink.

It was full of vitamins and malt. Many people used to go to the pub for a pint each day. Thus getting a good dose of vitamins and malt and so on.

These days people drink larger and such. I suspect these drinks do not have the goodness of old beers.

Hense with the old pubs types closing and people opting for more chemical drinks, I wonder if this has meant mmore ill-health.

EG

If you look at films from say 50's or pics of people, most looked realy healthy and fit. Of couse there were also less procesed food then and it was more normall to eat home made food.

But I do wonder with modern times that now people do not drink traditional beer as much, that they now no longer have any goodness in there diet.